perhaps i have matured once again, for my heart has grown fonder of both the people prevalent and not so prevalent in my life..and i miss people more easily (VGM teams)..but how exactly do you tell when you miss someone? i only know through my tears..

Your eyes
like turquoise camel beads
smooth polished stones
tumbled in oceans of tears
ward off evil spirits
whispering and leering 'round icy columned
bedposts

I hide in venetian blinded sleep
peering at the shadows winking and
smirking in nightmares

You smooth out my dreams
like wrinkled sheets

I dive beneath the cliffs of dawn
down to the caves of slumber

Idell Gatchell

reality is fine, but often depressing; it may be tempting to acknowledge it as goody-goody, but it takes real mentality and wisdom to realize and confront its ugly. i`ve simply been fantasizing far too much, only to sigh at its deceptiveness.

off to taiwan--

Thursday Afternoon

"But you're not supposed to know," he said.
"Yeah," I sighed,
"but I just want to know a little,
like when you get a new book and you read the last page.
You know what the last page is going to be like,
but you don't know the whole story;
you only have a little idea."
He followed me to the bathroom, where I
started flossing my teeth, and he kissed me.
I let the white floss fall in my hand.
It was a good kiss,
not those quick kisses of good-bye when he leaves for work,
or the sloppy kisses when you are both
too busy to care how your mouth feels.
It was the kind of kiss that makes you
remember why you started kissing him in the first place.
And all at once you are not so afraid to grow old.

Jennifer Carson

Racism

upon reading the newsweek article "the power that was" by weston kosova (with don imus' reference to the african-american women on the rutgers university basketball team as "nappy-headed hos," a remark that got him fired), i am becoming increasingly concerned with the media. i am not thrilled that many of newsweeks' writers are biased, but today`s article pointed out something that everyone should take into consideration. "media power is still concentrated largely in white hands and, as a result, racism is sometimes tolerated and enabled in ways that many white Americans are unable, or unwilling, to acknowledge." this struck a chord with me because from my own experience with talking to others-not to target, but particularly my caucasian friends-i have realized that they really do not see the racist context of what much of the media offers. either that or they do not feel it concerns them. looking at many of the nonsensical commercials alone tells a great deal of how prevalent racism continues to be in america. as a taiwanese american, i am most offended when i see oriental people being purposely chosen to act out the half-witted parts that are supposed to amuse viewers because of the mockery the commercial provokes. even some movies such as the old movie shanghai noon and the relatively recent remake of the original chinese movie the departed show racism, though it may be so slight that viewers are simply oblivious to it or do not count it as racist. perhaps many believe that the ones who take it offensively are simply too tense, but as i recall, racism is simply degrading and dissociates society. specifically analyzing the virginia tech situation also shows how a new light has been shed on many asian americans, a light that is most unpropitious. i read and watch asian americans-not surprisingly, especially koreans-being mocked at and avoided. thankfully, the once impasse situation on racism has been greatly subdued, disregarding the most recent VT occurrence. i am contended in seeing that there is still a minute part of media that respects all races, such as the gerber commercial i saw earlier today that delineated mothers of all ethnicities in if not a positive, then neutral light. however, i feel that society must father a greater effort in first recognizing and then confronting racism. we also must not  forget the lost lives in the VT tragedy; it is fascinating, yet at times, horrifying to see what this world has come to. what`s the public`s general perspective on what cho believed in? on the manner he carried out his beliefs? how do we view him and his emotional and mental depressive state? thoughts for another post, but i believe the acumen of many is not pervasive enough, including mine.

*

sorry guys, but i didn`t realize how much i had to say; this one`ll be just a little, scanty side note. i contemplated the concept of racism for a while longer and related it back to what we`re studying in global history right now: world war II, specifically the nazi regime. my global teacher is amazing and extremely detailed orientated, so the mien in which she described the holocaust tragedy nearly brought me to tears during class. i cannot fathom how agonizing and heartrenching it was for those reprimanded for their race, beliefs, religion, status, etc. and it all started with hitler`s ethnocentric idea of the "master race." comparing what the past was like to what it is now impresses me; history is absolutely astounding when one really sees how society has grown and changed. again, the racism dilemma has improved in just a few decades, but we must persist in reaching out to the censured minorities. it is much to my dismay that people worldwide did not advocate remedy and liberation earlier for those imprisoned during the holocaust.  

i`m at one of those points in my life again, where i just want to hibernate for years, to disappear. i`m getting more and more bored and more and more aggravated with people and schoolwork. each time, i want to nearly kill myself because i have no motivation to work. every morning is like this, so stressful and painful just getting out of bed, and once have i really meaningfully contemplated jumping out the window. i know i have a lot of potential, big dreams, a big heart when it comes to standing up for what i believe in, for accomplishing what i enjoy, and usually my miserable mood from the morning gets better as the day progresses until late night when i`m alone. but with this mediocre life, there is hardly anything to enjoy anymore. sometimes not even friends. it is not even like i have grudges against people, to be completely truthful. i know i don`t hate people even though i sometimes talk or act like i do; it is how i speak. and i know i don`t hate life; i know i`ve got a big future. which is why it`s been bothering me more and more that i get pissed off and tired more. i am actually worried about what i am capable of; i never thought i might actually need medication for this, but my councelor advised it if i wanted it. i might take it if it keeps getting worse; i probably wouldn`t have before, but i`m getting desperate. not for love, not for acing school, just for regulating my moods and extreme thoughts. love would be nice, but i sure as hell don`t expect people to because i am definitely not the most uplifting person to talk to on average; i put up a hard front for a while, and nobody has really grasped the other side of me, partly due to my depressed episodes that make me unstable and closedup. but i know that i really have a strong, optimistic faith, a strong core, a thousand ideas ready to burst; i just wish i could be my true self more often and get past this stage of my life.   

the only thing that really keeps me going and has been all along is god. when i turn to god, even if it`s just listening to a christian song, i`m revived again, even if just temporarily, to find motivation. you ask, how can that be if god is not tangible? not realistic? well, you would not know until you experienced his great love for you. no human could ever replace my god. and through him, i have discovered just recently a part of myself that i never knew i could be capable of: love despite being hurt. i know for sure i don`t talk like i`m a lover of god, friends, family, and boyfriend, and i know i sometimes bitch and rant about them and say some of the coldest things due to my horribly mean sarcasm (don`t take me literally cause i usually don`t mean the bad things i say), but that is simply the surface of everything. when it really comes down to life and death, they are all worth dying for. i just hope i can pull through and die for any one of them if need be, to always put myself before them. i`ve come to a stage where i`ve erased a lot of grudges and only want to be like my god, to love from the start and when all else fails. there is no feeling greater than forgiving and loving more, because i`ve realized that when love hurts, it doesn`t really hurt; it just means there`s more love. such a thing that god has taught me could have only been taught by him because he is love. the problem is, though, i never show this love at all in my every day interactions with other people, and especially not lately because i have been more aggravated throughout the days. you have to wonder if you`re really just mad at yourself though..